Overcome

Its been awhile and I think its time to be very vulnerable. Its time to share something maybe a little dark that has been sitting on my heart to share. I think with my final steps to healing been made in the recent months, its time.

I do not claim to be any relationship expert. In fact my two past relationships would reveal that I'm about the least qualified person to give relationship advice. Those relationships are what I am going to get vulnerable about in the words that follow.

My first ever relationship, I knew better - he wasn't a Christian, he'd admitted to cheating on every previous girlfriend he had but I hadn't really found my worth and I was an innocent 20 year old just searching for someone to love me. Classic. It was bad within a few weeks but I didn't really acknowledge the red flags and I endured repeated emotional and physical abuse. He eventually cheated on me and dumped me over the phone after 19 months, the day after my 22nd birthday. He didn't want to respect my boundaries. I believe in waiting until marriage and well he didn't. That caused a lot of problems and ultimately was the reason I was discarded without a thought or feeling.

I live with the scars of that relationship physically to this day. Emotionally, I looked to God and he slowly helped me through. I gradually found my worth in him and vowed I would only trust his lead when it came to relationships in the future.

I did just that, despite wanting to rush back into the dating game I waited until it seemed God had dropped a perfectly curated man right into my lap, nearly 2 years to the day of my last break up. It was a whirlwind, we were so in sync; that was until we weren't. Some of my closest spiritual guide posts showed hesitation but supported me no matter what. Red flags started to pop up left and right. Lovebombing, gaslighting, making me feel I was crazy for having feelings, projecting their faults on me when I was there owning to my faults. Do those traits sound familiar. Perhaps not if you haven't been there yourself. As an empath, I was incredibly vulnerable to the manipulative behavior of this personality disorder but mental health had never been my speciality and so I didn't see it until it had nearly destroyed me. Despite an engagement, abundant support and planning our wedding, this man broke off our engagement a year to the day our relationship began.

I was angry. I thought terrible things that I have repented for and deeply regretted but it doesn't change the shame I experience for having had those thoughts. That relationship had beaten my empathetic soul to a cold place. I cringe at how my hurt and pain had changed my behavior. Ultimately, God brought an apology that allowed me to heal. But it also opened me up to the narcissistic abuse. It was still powerful, still destructive and it was only when I took leave from its presence in my life that I'd find peace and open up to joy and hope and be my best self. But I felt God asking of me to be his friend, even though this person was associated with so much pain in my heart and my mind. Then it would knock on my door again, swift criticism and blaming and gaslighting came again. The health professional in me recommended they get help. I was meant with derision and false promises. This has cycled a couple times in the last year. Until recently, I decided enough was enough. A quote kept bouncing in my mind - never take criticism from anyone you wouldn't take advice from. That hits deep. Why was I letting this highly mentally unstable person beat at my mind and my heart, my faith and my soul. My only judge and jury is God. So I pushed the block buttons. Like every block button that could be pushed. It was liberating. I ended the cycle of my narcissistic abuser against me. I wish I could protect anyone from them in the future but for that I must trust God. He is healing me and bringing me joy.

What I took from those relationships was finding your worth in God. To not let someone else impact your mental health negatively. I also found from all that, that although I don't believe that God's plan holds singleness for me forever, I would rather that over toxic and abusive relationships. Trust God, he will protect, he will lead and ultimately when someone or something is overriding his plan with free will, he will rescue you from those situations.

Don't forget to pray, many blessings be upon you.