Mistakes Were Made 2

Welcome back to the chronicles of relationship mistakes past. In case this is your first look, I'm diving in to my two past failed relationships to reflect, learn and hopefully prevent myself and others from making the same mistakes. I need to acknowledge this is not a bash fest of negativity, I made mistakes in these relationships just like my exs so I'm choosing not to point fingers as much as possible. We left off at mistake number 6, so let's kick it off with 7.

Lesson number 7: Do not take your bad mood or bad day out on your partner. This is just a good rule for living life in general but is especially pertinent in relationships. I am a person very guilty of this. I had a tendency to pout and have a sharp tongue when I was having a bad day and rather than tempering my tone and responding in love to those who had done nothing wrong that day, I would take it out on them. This was a hard lesson for me to learn. I'm still not a 100% there yet but I've made it a conscious mission to avoid this mistake moving forward.

Lesson number 8: Be a listening ear without judgment. We all have hard days, regardless of our job or just our interactions in the day. Venting is okay, it's even healthy as opposed to bottling up those feelings until you go and make the above mistake. In a relationship being able to share about your day and the things that might have upset you is a good thing. Your partner is, in a mutual way, there to support you and vice versa. Needing to get those feelings out in a safe environment is so important. You are not with the right person if they want to dismiss you for venting or say you are whining and should drop it. Being with someone who can support you in a non judgemental way is so necessary. That being said, if you need to be called out, that's a bit of a different circumstance.

Lesson number 9: Nosy bystanders. The people around you and who love you will always want to look out for you. What you need to be careful of are those that are biased or looking out for themselves and not you. Know who is a nosy bystander and who is good counsel because they are often not the same. Meddling parents when you are a grown adult can be a problem. Look where their heart is in the situation. Are they observing a pattern of bad behavior? Are they references perhaps where things don't align with God and Scripture? Or are they feeling slighted and overly protective due to a one time circumstance and encouraging a bad decision?

Lesson number 10: Extend grace. As I've embarked on a new relationship one of the most evident differences is the mutual decision to extend grace to one another for our past. We can't change what we have done before we have met someone and especially when you are upfront about your past then a partner has a choice to either extend grace or just end things if they can't do that. I say those as the options because when we can't extend the grace then it becomes an area of shame that is unfairly put on that person. Your partner should not make you to feel bad about your past.

Lesson number 11: You may fight but if that's happening more often then not then probably this isn't the right relationship. I spent a lot of my engagement in disagreements and fights. I'm a pretty passive person who doesn't really like conflict and confrontation so this was a really uncomfortable time in my life. The main issue in this case was poor communication. When there is a strain to communication for reasons such as fear, distance, pride, etc that leads to failure in that area. When you are in the right relationship communication should be easy, it's hard to realize that until you've actually experienced that. I'm not saying you'll never fight, but it shouldn't leave you feeling unloved or in doubt or in fear. Respect and support are important in any relationship. I promise when that right relationship comes around it will be unmistakable in this respect.

I'm going to close this round out with this sixth one that I really wish I had trusted myself in knowing since it was a rule I'd told myself never to do before but when faced with that moment, caved.

Lesson number 12: Never go backwards. What's that supposed to mean? Well if someone dumps you or even wants to or threatens to, don't go begging them to change their mind. Love is a choice and if someone can choose someone or something over you then you certainly deserve better. I remember pleading with my first boyfriend to take me back, that I could fix any issues. At that time I hadn't found my worth and I vowed not to do that again. Then after my broken engagement, I didn't do it. I moved forward in life until he asked for me to give him a second chance. Everything in my body said "DON'T DO IT!" Foolish girl that I was, didn't listen and that swiftly ended with him breaking off the engagement a second time shortly after re-proposing. You deserve to be someone's first choice and don't mistake anything for intentionality and consistency in the pursuit of your relationship.

I hope these help you along the way, and bless you where you are in relationship. Remember no relationship is more valuable than the one you have with God.