Mistakes Were Made

If I haven't made myself the poster child for relationship mistakes allow me to set that in stone. Don't get me wrong, I do not look back at my past 2 relationships in any way unhappy about their outcomes but what I've chosen to do is acknowledge the mistakes that were made and figure out what I learned. I ultimately have come to realize that there was so much better in store for me outside of those relationships.

Lesson number one: As a Christian, I never had any business dating someone who was not equally yoked with me. They talk about it in youth group but it seems like such a limiting factor. There are not a lot of fish in the sea and now I've got to only select from the very few that share my beliefs... yikes. Do they even exist? Are there very many options? What makes me a better option over the other hundreds of single Christian ladies? The fact of the matter is those insecurities are true, I've had each and every one of them but I've also dated a non-Christian and I know that singleness is better than being with someone who doesn't respect your most fundamental beliefs. Life for me is so much better in Christ than away from Him or unable to feel open and joyful in my faith.

Lesson number two: Boundaries are important. Make sure you know what your boundaries are beforehand, stick to them. Don't let someone manipulate or bully you into changing them. Or even sweet talk you. There is a reason those boundaries exist for you, they protect your mental, physical and emotional health. I made this mistake in both my relationships in different ways, I regret them and sincerely believe that allowing those boundaries to be crossed severely compromised my judgment. I'd say I stayed in my relationships longer due to having let those boundaries be broken over and over again. Someone who truly cares about you will not only honor those boundaries but likely share those same boundaries in their own way.

Lesson number three: Trust is earned and although you are getting to know each other, not everything needs to be laid on the table right away. I made this mistake sharing about the trauma from my first relationship very early in my second. It was important I share about my trauma because it does impact me, but I regret sharing it too soon as it became a subject used to shame me repeatedly and that was not okay. Shaming someone for their trauma experience is NEVER acceptable. That being said, the right person will support you when you share those kind of intimate details and want to show you love; no matter when you share them. I do add the caveat that some things do need to be shared sooner rather than later in the interest of honesty.

Lesson number four: Don't make promises you don't intent to keep. Promises are big and small, they hold different value for each and every one of us but it is universally known that breaking one is bad. I say this as the jilted fiancé who understood engagements as a promise to marry. Oops my mistake. Myself I did fail at my promises to communicate better. I won't play innocent because by no means am I, and this one was one of my biggest errors.

Lesson number five: Don't ignore the red flags. Consider me a bull in the ring that runs towards the red flags instead of away. As an empath, I choose to see the good in people, I won't put someone on trial for one fault (even a big one). That being said I do call people out when I reach the point of finally respecting my gut. If you find a red flag, take it seriously, chances are there are more where that comes from. I'm not in the business of divulging every dirty detail of my past relationships, that's not beneficial for anyone but what I can say is for me, as a person who doesn't cry, coming home crying often was a red flag to those I lived with. I chose to ignore it and I paid the price through my healing process but let's also say hindsight is 20/20.

I'm going to do one more and probably come back to this topic a couple more times because relationships and learning to love is a journey and we never stop learning.

Lesson number six: Never rush! There is no rush when it's real love. In my previous 2 relationships the love bomb got dropped on date 2. They definitely didn't love me yet and upon reflection, I was the one who felt obligated to say it back. I didn't love them back at that point yet either. That mistake right there put "skin in the game". I felt to walk away at that point if something was a problem, was failure. I lived in this idealistic world where I'd get it right on the first try or then the second try. Rushing things made me prone to allowing all the above mistakes to happen. I got engaged at 3 months, I didn't know that person or they certainly didn't know me because of the often one sided conversations. When you are with someone who matters, who you love, despite the desire to get to that beautiful place of marriage, there is the understanding that the journey is just as special. You don't rush making the relationship official, you don't rush the "I love you", you instead enjoy the moments you get to be together. You learn about one another, you cherish one another's personality and honor boundaries. It's a gift and a blessing to just spend time together, it's not a show or meant to be flashy. Something really amazing happens when you go slow - you fall in love and you really mean it.

So although these are just the beginning of the mistakes, these cover the biggest ones that I refuse to make again. I hope these can serve as learning points, warnings as to what to avoid or just a place where you can relate and know that you're not alone in your own mistakes.