Friendship

Every person has a different approach to friendship, they have different prerequisites and sustaining forces. So for that reason I'm just going to reflect on my own experiences of friendship. This may end up sounding somewhat clinical just in the effort of keeping it simple.

I am not someone you will find calling every person they have ever met friend. I personally prefer to have a very small, very close group of friends - and most of them do not know one another. Friendship for me is an intimate experience, it's more than just the surface facts about someone. For me that is why friendship requires trust. I've received critism for not having many friends, as if that is an indication of my personality or who I am. To that I argue that although the numbers may be few, those that I do call friend know everything because they have built trust and stuck with me through hard times. They haven't chosen to be my friend when all is going right in life and I'm smiling constantly and you could knock my brain right out with a feather. No they've chosen to stick by me through my challenges, when my mind is dark or my feelings are sad, when it's more than just knowing someone, it's knowing them for all their good and bad. For me, this is a two way street.

It may be the loyalty gene in me but that is what defines my friendships. I will share the deepest, near unbreakable loyalty to a true friend. They are my confidants. The privilege of me sharing my feelings or about my life or where I am mentally is granted to few. I use the word privilege because to reach that point means that they have shown me that I am important to them and that in sharing I am showing they are important to me. I am beyond blessed to have my friends, they are true rocks, never wavering and each and everyone of them are beautiful inside and out.

Now I can't talk about friendship without acknowledging the bumps along the friendship road. Commonality has been one factor that has cost me friendships, mainly as a kid and teen, because at that time it was hard to have friends who didn't share my faith. I lived my life one way and they lived theirs another. Often my disinterest in activities like parties that included drinking and drugs caused us to drift apart and those were healthy breaks that served each of us. No hard feelings were had and we most often still engage on an acquaintance level.

However, some friendships just don't end in such a clean way. I call those unhealthy friendship breaks. As I have aged I have taken on the mentality of loving everyone. In the last year, I've developed a more open heart to forgiveness, allowing some of these less healthy breaks not to end in a grudge but forgiveness and moving on. For me the strongest indicator of one of these unhealthy friendships is behaviour. I can love and forgive someone from a distance, without being dragged down by a friendship that is toxic to my mental health. This might seem like a grey area, and I'm no expert, but allow me to explain my perspective. Obviously, friends can go through challenging circumstances that can weigh heavy on us because of empathy or the nature of the situation. Those are circumstances that can be talked about, often have a resolution or a supportive aspect. They are not toxic, unless this support is never reciprocated. A friendship that is toxic is one that behavior or actions have long term negative impacts on your life, where actions or words leave you questioning your sanity or worth, where repeated actions were made knowing they would hurt with minimal or no consideration for the long term repercussions.

Of course when I choose to end a friendship, I do not do so lightly. These are often people whom I've invested my time, emotions and own vulnerabilities. Sometimes cost vs benefit is considered. This has been less than a handful of times throughout my whole life because I do believe that friendships are worth preserving. Often I use my decernment to protect against engaging in a friendship that might be unhealthy. I hold no ill will or feeling towards them. The way I find best allows healing is to cease contact either permanently or until I know I've reached a safe place where occasional contact will not cause me a full body reaction and I do not exaggerate when I say FULL body reaction. Should I resume speaking, I do so with boundaries and without any notion that what caused the friendship to end would not creep back. Trust bonds are broken, egos get in the way, overall someone will be on a losing end if no behavior changes have occurred.

Coming back from the sad detours, my friends are amazing. I'm not trying to brag. I'm acknowledging them as I know that is important. My oldest friend and I have gone long periods where we needed a break because our lives were in conflict, but its that friendship that has taught me that if a friendship is really meant to exist, it will triumph through every challenge, every road block and love will conquer all. I have spoken about this friendship before but I will note again that it is now in the healthiest place it has ever been, and the closest it has ever been. I have other budding friendships with people in former years I may never have approached but who now I could not imagine doing life without. Friendship is a journey in itself, it's is bold, beautiful, hard, emotional but worth it with the right people. Don't forget to give a shout out to an amazing friend you have today, because uplifting and supporting no matter what, is what friends do.